How Many Times

At the Altar in private prayer: 

How many times have I cried, O'Lord for them?

How many times have my tears wet the cheeks of my face for the shame I have done that is unknown to man, but known to you?

How many times have my tears come forth because I had to deliver the sad news of someone's son or daughter having gone to their repose for many a varied reason?

How many times have I cried over the loss of an unborn whose mother I tried to talk from an abortion?

How many times do I continually find my inward self wrenching in agony over my having to tell a young man or woman that their mom and dad no longer want to see or hear from them for a variety of reasons?

How many times do I anguish before you O"Lord with inward pain in my heart and soul because I couldn't fulfill a promise to someone who was in need?

How many times have I cried over a couple who have broken their marriage vows and have been unfaithful to each other and you, while they yet use words to torture not only on themselves, but their young and so many others?

How many times do my tears flow because I have had to tell a couple that I will not marry them because their desires for a covenant in marriage is not based on Love and truth?

How many times have I anguished over the pain of others who do not believe in your covenant, but claim a faith in you, and have defiled the belief of others who hold to a covenant with you?

How many times O'Lord have I held someone in my arms as they took their last breath in this life and then having to carry the sad news to their family, friends and other loved ones?

How many times have I cried over my foolish actions from the anger I have held within when someone did not like me, or what I hold true too as the covenant made between you and me according to my ability and nature of understanding its implicit meaning?

How many times have I cried out in agony for having taken the pain and shame for others which I refused to disclose because of my vow and my promise to you when I was ordained... My vow to you to protect the covenants of the Seals of the Confessional is dear to me because you have imbued in my spirit the need to be faithful and true in spirit and truth.

How many times O'Lord have I cried over the suffering caused not just by myself alone, but others, with us in spirit and truth who are castigated and shamed with false truths because of their own seeking self-image?

How many times O'Lord have I cried over the suffering caused by false priests, clergy and faithful who claim to be "Christian" (Following the Life and Teachings of Jesus Christ) but who have time and again stolen souls, degraded the faith with lies and untruths and even robbed your house and your servants?

How many times O'Lord have I taken care of someone whose suffering disease caused them to say and do things against my unworthy self and those with me, then to have them go to their final repose while holding them in my arms because I would not be unfaithful to my promise to them, even to their end ?

How many times O'Lord have I had to tell someone their actions and words were wrong and why, but only to later find them doing the same things against you, us and my unworthy self both publicly and privately? 

How many times have I found the offenses of others hurting your faith once delivered, those with me and their loved ones?  How many times do I bend myself before thee O'Lord and ask forgiveness from thee for my unworthy thoughts of anger and pain from watching the brutality and life threatening actions of others toward many other people, us and my unworthy self?

How many times O'Lord have I approached thee in prayer and meditation on behalf of another because they are slowly dying from something mankind has no cure for?

How many times have I sat with a mother or father whose son and daughter couldn't or wouldn't take the time to visit them in their last hour?

How many times O'Lord am I afflicted with anguish and pain of heart for all these souls who have been called to the next life, for bad or good and no one was there by their side during the last moments in this life? 

O'Lord, my pain is deep, my anguish is severe... my heart is hurting and yet I trudge on and try to persevere out of pain of heart for the Love for thee, knowing that it is my obligation and duty as your servant to the people and yourself.  Yet, I know that my own shortcomings make me an unworthy one in. the vineyard for I recognize also that I still fail many others and you.

How many times O'Lord have I lost strength and trust in my faith in thee because of the anguish, suffering and pain I see in this world, but you were there through others more worthy than my unworthy self to encourage me and remind me that I suffer not from self-delusion but from weakness? 

How many times you have vanquished demons when they attempted to insight me to unfaithfulness.

How many times O'Lord has the Evil One crept into my thoughts to tell me all that I do for others is nothing but a weakness in my self? Or that I am a fool whose beliefs are in error?  How many times I cried in thanksgiving for you held me by the hand and invigorated me with renewed faith and strength?

How many times have I been visited by an angel of the Lord who has encouraged and strengthened my unworthy self with truth that has carried me forward to continue in this life, doing that which you ordained me to do for your children, the faithless and faithful, the false clergyman and true servant? 

How many times have I found myself at a loss because many of those who I have tried to help in your name, have gone further away from you in their spirit and in truth? 

How many times O'Lord do I come to you in a rush to pray for them as I shed tears for having failed you? 

How many times O'Lord have you lifted my unworthy self up with understanding that there was nothing I could have done otherwise but what they have done it to themselves, and that I can only pray for them?

How many times O'Lord have I had to castigate my unworthy self because of my pride and vanity and worse sins? 

How many times O'Lord have you lifted me up to correct me in my unworthy self which caught me quickly to bend my mind and heart to thee in private prayer and meditation to ask for forgiveness and then to go to those whom I knew I had errantly harmed; seeking their forgiveness for their anger and pain which I then took upon my own unworthy self? 

How many times have I taken the error of other false servants unto myself in order to cover them so they may be corrected in Your truth and been met with a cold and stony heart and an unforgiving attitude of self-importance and political correctness?

How many times O'Lord have you been there for me and picked my unworthy self  up and dusted me off, only to tell me to continue on the path in this struggle with the struggle against self and selfishness, vanity and pride... that they can all be defeated only by faith in thee through prayer, meditation, confession, seeking forgiveness from you and those whom I may have harmed unintentionally?

How many times O'Lord have I and those with me been robbed, stolen from, lied to, found our life and the lives of others threatened and placed in danger because of another's lie and horrible actions to destroy us? 

How many times you have again, and again, stepped into my and our lives to strengthen us with your arms of love and compassion, to wipe away the tears that stream forth from my heart and soul for the pain caused by others, by those unworthy ones who do lie, cheat and steal from us and so very many others? 

You are my strength and defense O'Lord.  Your Holy Host of Angels, Archangels, Saints, Martyrs and those in this life strengthen us with understandings both spiritual and material.  You have set our feet upon the path that leads to thee... yet, I and those with me stumble all to often and know that we are truly unworthy because we continuously fall down and yet, we grieve!

I make no resolution for any of the New Years that come and go O'Lord, because they are all to often broken by every human being along the way.  For one day to you is so very many years while one day to us is but a blink of an eyebrow for you!

How many times O'Lord will you put up with my unworthy self in these many things I do so badly? 

How many times will my eyes of the heart, mind and soul overflow with tears of repentance for the failings and failure I have committed? 

How many times will you tell me, again and again, that it is upon them who you send me to, who will pay the price you have for time immemorial said is their Free Will for them to decide, not mine? 

How many times I will watch in shame and pain as they leave off from the good I have tried to direct them in, only to watch them turn away to do the bad under false guises?

My own life O'lord is but this one you have allowed me to have... and as my time comes close to my final repose from this life, I know that I will no longer have to say, "How Many Times" for it will be the one and only time left for me to pray for forgiveness and I pray that it not be too late!

O my spiritual children and friends, how long will it be before you can no longer reflect, meditate and pray on "How Many Times"... for you!

A New Year this is for us O'Lord...

How many times will you call and send me and those with me, out to aide those in all kinds of suffering and pain only to find them destitute and dry as a barren desert in their spirit and heart because they did not do that which you would have had them do... and I grow weary O'Lord because of this... yet I do what is your calling, I do what is needed and I pray for them, alone, in private, in pain, for I take their momentary pain and shame unto myself and offer it up to you.  I take their sins and offer them up to you through their confessions, and pray they follow through in true repentance for the forgiveness, the balm, that can only come from thee... I take and offer up their sins in the Oblation, and I ask forgiveness and strength to continue on knowing that I have yet, not done enough ... Forgive me for my momentary doubts and fears O'Lord for they too I can only say, How many times will you put up with me, your unworthy servant who prays for your forgiveness? 

Oh Lord, Jesus Christ...

Son of God and Son of Man...

Have mercy on me...

A sinner that I am!   Amen!

+Joseph Thaddeus, OSB, SSJt., Ph.D.

                          Metropolitan Archbishop, Archabbot, Primate

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"One can return evil for evil not only by deed, but also by word or expression. One man may think that he does not return evil for evil in deed, but in fact returns it by word, or expression, gesture, or look. For all this too can offend one's brother and this too is returning evil for evil. Another may not try to take revenge by deed, word, expression or gesture, but in his heart he harbors resentment against his brother and is bitter against him. Another may have no bitterness against his brother, but if he hears someone reviling, criticizing or belittling that brother, he rejoices and so returns evil for evil in his heart. Yet another nourishes no malice in his heart, does not rejoice at hearing of the humiliation of the one who had offended him, and even grieves if he suffers insult, yet does not rejoice at his success - for instance, is vexed if the other if praised or favored. This too is an aspect of resentment, though the least serious of them all."

St. Abba Dorotheus.

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